The Argument Within

I've spent 2 days fighting with myself over this situation with Steven. On one hand I hate either one of us being upset and out of contact with the other, but on the other hand if you say you are going to pay someone back you do it. If you have bills to pay, pay them, then do it, but don't say you can't pay them back because you have to play with your money. Of course our definitions of playing with it are different.

On a different note, tomorrow is my last day off of the summer,, school starts for me on Monday and I don't want to go back. The idea of opening my classroom this year usually has me excited and ready to go,, not this year. I want out of here, not Sunrise, but Chaparral, out of NM. I need to get a life, now that I'm on my own I need a life. There is no life here for me outside of work, that is a fact and I don't like it.

Steven won't be coming back here, he'll be going to Virginia to live with the father who could never get a job, hold a job, or pay his child support and who he hasn't lived with since he was in diapers but is positive is a better parent. So be it, but that doesn't mean I have to stagnate.

He doesn't understand that I'm stressed out too at the idea of my son going to war and the chance of never seeing him again, of knowing the last time we spoke was probably an argument, and the time we spent before he left turned out to be a lie. He didn't have the good time he led me to believe and he threw that in my face a few times. I think he is happiest when he hurts me, I strike back, we argue, this just can't go on.

If his safety and my sanity mean we stay away from each other then that is what will happen. He told his grandma his Sgt. sent him back to his quarters instead of training yesterday after I refused to argue with him and hung up. He cries and gets hysterical at the drop of hat, that will make his life very hard and I don't want anything to do with that.