A Break is Needed

I was hoping to keep this blog as a record of my son's deployment, of our relationship, all kinds of things. I can't do that right now, we have a very bad relationship at the moment, neither one of us understands the other, we can't talk, we can't get along, he and his grandmother are hiding things from me, lying to me, and it's undermining our once fantastic relationship. My son deploys the first week of Sept. I don't know if we will speak before then or not, but I told him this morning that I will not force myself into his life, he is to let me know when he wants to have me back in his life and he be in my life. Under those circumstances I won't have a lot to write about.

A Visit, a Date is Set, a Melt-down

I've not been able to write, a week ago today I got to visit Steven at Ft. Hood, it was wonderful seeing him, I could tell it was strained, but it wasn't bad. The trip through was a horror,, we had a blow out on the motor home on the way and on the Jeep on the way back. Now a date has been set for him to leave and what do we do tonight? We fight. Work is not going well thanks to our Village Idiot (Governor). teachers are starting to jump ship already. I can't take both.

Getting Ready to Go, Having Sad and Depressing Thoughts

I'm doing the wash, setting up my lesson plans for the 4 days I'm gone, and getting ready to go to the Family Day for Steven's Unit in Ft. Hood. I should be happy, ecstatic to be going, but I'm not. Instead I'm fearful of the arguments to come, the bad feelings to leave with, the family fights I know are coming. Lee will get mad and stomp around, he'll yell, get blustery, my mom will get snide and even more mean in the things she says. Steven will to have his say and no one else is allowed to talk or disagree or defend themselves or he turns and runs out on the argument, especially if he knows he's wrong. He'll call me names, tell me what a horrible mother I am, and how wonderful the father who turned his back on him, never paid child support for him, just didn't care,,, but he's the good guy now because Steven is older and he can play big fun loving, still unemployed brother to him instead being a father. It's sad, I wanted them to have relationship when he was younger, now they do, and it's destroyed ours because he believes the lies he's told. I can't change that I guess.

If I don't go I'm the bad mother he says I am, if I do go I'm opening myself to being hurt even more. I can't stand the idea of him leaving though, and not saying goodbye, just in case something happens. I don't  want to even think of him not coming back, but when he does return he's not coming back anyway; he's moving to daddie's house in VA (really Grandpas's house). I'm going to try and contact him about picking up Steven's truck and the T Bird junk heap he left here.

I want him to be happy, Steven, I mean,,, I want him to start his own life, get out there, support himself, have serious relationships... but I want him to honor his word and pay his grandparents for all the work on his truck, and cigarettes, and gas etc. I want him to pay me back for all the times he's asked me to "float" him money until he gets paid, but I never get paid back. He considers paying his phone bill (in part) paying me back, he just doesn't get what has happened here, what I've sold, what I've given up, to make sure I could "float" him that money he needed. He finally owned up to having bought a cell phone plan through Verizon, while still having my second line that has a 2 year contract FOR HIM. I just don't get it.

1 Month

A month, wow, time is crawling some days but flying others. I will be able to go Ft. Hood for the Family Day after all, I'm going to ride with my parents in their motor home. I will be taking 3 days off,, this close to the start of school is going to be rough. The last time I took off days like this was when I went to SC for Steven's graduation from basic training in 2009. I flew and was only out 2 days. I have a great sub though, she's going to college to become a teacher, so she benefits too.

I'm very ambivalent about this trip though, I have a feeling there will be trouble. I don't know if Steven really wants me there or not, guess we'll find out. I have to see him though, he's my son, and I love him. I want him to grow up, get his own life going, succeed, and have everything possible. I also don't want him taken advantage of, hurt, and placed in danger because of it.
Guess we'll see.

3 Weeks Gone,,, Late Post

I wasn't sure what to post on the 3 week mark,, I'm still not. I did want to put something up, I may not keep this blog alive the way it seems to be going. My son has very hard feelings towards me and I don't understand it. I know why, but I don't understand it.

Family Day Aug. 14, I Can't Afford to go.

I was upset I didn't see the farewell party in OH, but now they are having a Family Day Aug 14 and it's at Ft. Hood and I still can't go! With all the bills being past due because of not being over the summer and having unexpected expenses, I can't even do this! I feel like posting on Facebook and saying HEY!!!! My Paypal is WriterofWords@aol.com,,, if all my friends sent $2 I could go and pay the taxes too! That's not going to happen and I know it. I'm not sure Steven wants me there anywhere,, I let him know I wasn't too happy about him getting such a big paycheck and not helping with what he should since we've supported him with no job for so many months. His Reserve pay didn't go far at all, so now he has the big check and says he wants to save it for his move after he returns,,, well I guess I may be moving too, I want to, but I want it to be my choice!

One month and 2 days until deployment.