New Pic, Back to Work, Getting it Together

Back to work tomorrow, then the students come back on Thursday. I think it will be a good thing, it will keep my mind a bit busier. I just hope it doesn't backfire and I can't do my job. I talked to Steven some yesterday, he sounded good, he got some mail, his glasses and mask inserts came here so I have send them to him. He called this morning for a minute, they got to sleep in so he made good use of that opportunity. I slept in after waking up and having to take my migraine pills, woke up again a few hours later.

I'm glad we talked even briefly, it made me feel much better and I hope he does too. Everyone at the Moose Lodge was asking about him, I showed them the picture he posted in all his gear.

I Did it Again!!! Damn!

I did it again, I walked out the back door and saw Steven's truck sitting there and thought he was home. I'm going to have to park it in a different spot so this stops.

2 Weeks Gone

Two weeks already, wow. I miss him, I could strangle him, but I miss him! I know it's better this way, that I just leave him alone to work through things but I want to reach out to him. That won't happen, he needs to be the one to do that, and he needs to straighten out this crap of telling his buddies I'm after his money,,, but I have decided not to transfer any more to him next time he asks, unless I get in writing with his 1st Sgts. signatures that it will be paid back the next payday. He won't do that, it means he acknowledges he is the one asking for money and saying he'll pay it back. I'm not going to make any over payments on my Mastercard, he won't have that to fall back on, he'll have to make his checks last. I'm worried about what all he sending of his belongings to NY to a girl he's never met, but he's 21, it's his choice and his responsibility.

I miss him, I love him, this hurts.

The Argument Within

I've spent 2 days fighting with myself over this situation with Steven. On one hand I hate either one of us being upset and out of contact with the other, but on the other hand if you say you are going to pay someone back you do it. If you have bills to pay, pay them, then do it, but don't say you can't pay them back because you have to play with your money. Of course our definitions of playing with it are different.

On a different note, tomorrow is my last day off of the summer,, school starts for me on Monday and I don't want to go back. The idea of opening my classroom this year usually has me excited and ready to go,, not this year. I want out of here, not Sunrise, but Chaparral, out of NM. I need to get a life, now that I'm on my own I need a life. There is no life here for me outside of work, that is a fact and I don't like it.

Steven won't be coming back here, he'll be going to Virginia to live with the father who could never get a job, hold a job, or pay his child support and who he hasn't lived with since he was in diapers but is positive is a better parent. So be it, but that doesn't mean I have to stagnate.

He doesn't understand that I'm stressed out too at the idea of my son going to war and the chance of never seeing him again, of knowing the last time we spoke was probably an argument, and the time we spent before he left turned out to be a lie. He didn't have the good time he led me to believe and he threw that in my face a few times. I think he is happiest when he hurts me, I strike back, we argue, this just can't go on.

If his safety and my sanity mean we stay away from each other then that is what will happen. He told his grandma his Sgt. sent him back to his quarters instead of training yesterday after I refused to argue with him and hung up. He cries and gets hysterical at the drop of hat, that will make his life very hard and I don't want anything to do with that.

Argue, Argue, Argue, Too Much Stress!!

All we do is argue right now, mainly over money. He asks, I transfer, he gets paid, I ask for it back and I get yelled at that all I want is his paycheck. He thinks I plan my bills around his piddly little check and all I've wanted is every check he ever gets. No, I want what he said he'd pay back when he borrowed it. I want him to pay his half of the cell phone bill, I want him to repay his grandparents the thousands of dollars they have spent fixing his piece of shit truck every time he's in an accident or it breaks down and needs towed home. I want him to pay us back for all the gas and cigarettes we buy him and have bought him because he didn't bother to get a job. Do I want it all at once? No, but if you say "I'll pay you back when I get paid" to me that means when you get a check you will be paying me back as much as you can without whining about it, without screaming at me about it, and without giving your buddies a big show about your mother calling and begging for money,,, when you of course you don't mention that you owe that and so much more! Does he not understand that if I short the phone bill so he can have $50 until he gets paid, that the $50 needs to come back to me so I can pay that bill? It's not that I want his check, I want him to honor what he says. I told him we will split his phone off my account when he gets paid the 30th so he can worry about his own phone bill,,, he got mad, well instead of buying his girlfriend, that he's never met in person who lives in NY and he swears he wants to marry and make a life with, presents and spending a fortune on postage,, how about pay your debts> then you will have even more money to send her! Does that piss me off? Yes it does! He falls in love over the Internet several times a year. She seems very nice, how about wait until you meet her a few times before you make plans. If he she dumps him while he's in Afghanistan it will end very badly for him and I know it because he is so emotional. Right now, I'm very upset, I'm angry, and I'm hurt. I love my son but right now I can't even speak to him!

Darn,,, Skype,,, didn't happen

I know I have to be flexible, but darn it I was looking forward to a Skype visit with Steven and it didn't happen! He was going to the PX with a group and they ran out of time before he could do it, he'll try tomorrow.

I got hurt last night falling down my back stairs, I'm depressed, and I needed that chat! I know, it sounds selfish to me too, but he's all I have. Yes I still have my mother, my step dad that I consider my father, my brother and his family.. but out of my whole, entire, family I have Steven, and my nephew Ricky that I am closest too. Being without both is going to really be a test for me. I go back to work the 29th, my summer break is over, and I don't want to go. I need a change, I'm thinking of leaving the classroom and doing consulting, but I don't know how to go about making the change, I'll have to look into it. It will not only make me happier, but I'll be more available if I need to be. I need a life change, I know this, it's been coming a long time. Normally I'd sit and talk with Steven about it, he has a great head on his shoulder when it comes to me and my issues about work. I love having the time off I do, but I'd like to be more in control of my own time.

I've made sure to be employed with insurance coverage for both of us, now he's covered by the Army and it's just me to worry about, I can look at things a bit differently. But then when he comes back and he isn't active he'll need insurance again. He's talking about going active with his reenlistment, that would be great for him but with our Idiot in Chief in office he may not have an Army worth reenlisting into or a job not being there for him.

I am missing him like crazy right now!!

A Week Already

It has been a week since my son left, what a week of ups, downs, happy, sad, furious, mad, you name it. He's having a rough time I think, with so much going on in his life. Missing him isn't getting any easier, but it is getting more comfortable. It's there, all the time, but at least now I'm not a raving lunatic. I miss him, plain and simple. I only have a week left of my summer vacation,, I'm very wishy washy about going back, especially since our school was graded low again.

A Fairly Normal Day!

Today was a pretty good day, I went Geocaching, got 3 First to Finds out of 3 attempts! Met a nice young Cacher and his wife, my mom did 2 caches with me,, her first ones! I did have Steven on my mind and talked about him with the Cacher I met, he is so young and medically retired because he messed up his feet and legs parachuting into Iraq and Afghanistan.

I couldn't write about until now but Steven and I had a major blow up Sunday, the day they had the departure ceremony in OH. I'm not going into details yet, but he really went off on me and told me I'm not being a good mother I'm smothering him. He threw in my face again the fact that he thinks his dad is so wonderful,,, I told him flat out he can think that if he wants, but it's selective memory because he hated going to his father's girlfriend's house when he was younger and when he was in his teens. His father didn't even pay 1 year's worth of child support from the time Steven was 2 until he turned 18. He went out of his way to show his GF's kids that he wasn't going to treat any better than them just because he was his son, so he went the opposite way and was pretty mean. I had to pick him up so many times in tears. He'll figure it out eventually, but I guess for now I'm the bad guy yet again. On the upside it did help get me out of my slump and back out doing something.

I love my son, more than life, I'd give up my own for him any day; he knows it, but it suits his purpose better at the moment to not remember that.

I have a week and half left of my vacation, no money and no gas,, but I will enjoy these days!

My son Steven's deployment to Afghanistan 2013: The airport, goodbye, why????? I love you! On to F...

My son Steven's deployment to Afghanistan 2013: The airport, goodbye, why????? I love you! On to F...: His Unit: 490th Signal Co. They well post pics and info throughout the deployment.  https://www.facebook.com/490thSignalCompanyTin?fref=ts ...

The airport, goodbye, why????? I love you! On to Ft. Hood.... I miss you! Link to his unit

His Unit: 490th Signal Co. They well post pics and info throughout the deployment.
 https://www.facebook.com/490thSignalCompanyTin?fref=ts


I know, I should have written sooner,, but I couldn't, I've been a basket case, a total fruit loop, a lunatic, you name it, I've felt it in the past few days.
July 11 I took Steven to the El Paso International Airport at 5:30am... we were running late, which was probably  good thing because the longer I was there the harder it was. I was impressed and happy that 3 soldiers from his former until in El Paso, the 369th Chemical Co., showed up to wish them well..

I held it together pretty well in front of him, but when he got on the escalator to go up to the security checkpoint I lost and had to go hide in the bathroom for a few minutes. My mom and dad did pretty well, but I could my dad was really shook up and I was worried because he had been in the hospital for a few days for heart issues and had just gotten out the night before.

The days in Ohio went quickly, getting things done, and they had a really nice ceremony for the guys and gals as the got ready to leave for Ft. Hood. They are a lot of pics on the link above and some great shots of Steven. Now they are at Ft. Hood pretty much isolated until they leave, he has to mail home his civilian clothes, he won't be needing them.

I'll keep up the writing better, I just had to get myself together, this is going to be hard and I don't want either one of us stressed out, him especially.

The Last Weekend at Home

Last night Steven and I went to the ghost tour in San Elizario, we had a pretty good time. Tonight was not what I would have wanted for his last Saturday night at home for over a year to come; or even more if he reenlists and goes active,, then it would be his last Saturday night calling this place home. I don't like to think about that. We had an argument over something stupid and no matter how I tried to be heard he just yelled over me. I finally just drove away and left him to be picked up by friends to go sing karaoke. I felt in the way all night, he needed a ride and money and that's what I was. I understand, but it still hurt.

We did have a nice dinner at the Moose Lodge, but there was stress even there. He has so much on his mind and doesn't want to talk about it, I hope he gets over that,, he'll need to be able to talk things out. He's 21, it's time to spread those wings, but not aiming towards the sun to burn up. I love him, no matter what.