Getting Ready to Go, Having Sad and Depressing Thoughts

I'm doing the wash, setting up my lesson plans for the 4 days I'm gone, and getting ready to go to the Family Day for Steven's Unit in Ft. Hood. I should be happy, ecstatic to be going, but I'm not. Instead I'm fearful of the arguments to come, the bad feelings to leave with, the family fights I know are coming. Lee will get mad and stomp around, he'll yell, get blustery, my mom will get snide and even more mean in the things she says. Steven will to have his say and no one else is allowed to talk or disagree or defend themselves or he turns and runs out on the argument, especially if he knows he's wrong. He'll call me names, tell me what a horrible mother I am, and how wonderful the father who turned his back on him, never paid child support for him, just didn't care,,, but he's the good guy now because Steven is older and he can play big fun loving, still unemployed brother to him instead being a father. It's sad, I wanted them to have relationship when he was younger, now they do, and it's destroyed ours because he believes the lies he's told. I can't change that I guess.

If I don't go I'm the bad mother he says I am, if I do go I'm opening myself to being hurt even more. I can't stand the idea of him leaving though, and not saying goodbye, just in case something happens. I don't  want to even think of him not coming back, but when he does return he's not coming back anyway; he's moving to daddie's house in VA (really Grandpas's house). I'm going to try and contact him about picking up Steven's truck and the T Bird junk heap he left here.

I want him to be happy, Steven, I mean,,, I want him to start his own life, get out there, support himself, have serious relationships... but I want him to honor his word and pay his grandparents for all the work on his truck, and cigarettes, and gas etc. I want him to pay me back for all the times he's asked me to "float" him money until he gets paid, but I never get paid back. He considers paying his phone bill (in part) paying me back, he just doesn't get what has happened here, what I've sold, what I've given up, to make sure I could "float" him that money he needed. He finally owned up to having bought a cell phone plan through Verizon, while still having my second line that has a 2 year contract FOR HIM. I just don't get it.